Party Time All the Time

Megan Fox....Sigh.

2009-12-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

I recently came across an old Rolling Stone with Megan Fox gracing the cover. The premise of the article was that she can get anything she wants, she's super comfortable with her sexuality, blah blah. Basically, they just wanted pervy dudes to buy the magazine, and get bummed out at the lack of any...actual sexy pictures in the editorial. Anyways, this isn't intending to be a real post, but I just think it's hilarious how people put this girl up on a pedestal. People have compared her to Angelina Jolie, saying that she's the younger, sexier version of...which is bat-shit crazy. Realize that Jolie is one of the sexiest women of all time, PLUS (drum-roll) she CAN ACTUALLY ACT. How is it that anyone would compare the lifeless Fox to th Academy Award-winning Jolie? With the exception they both have dark hair, plump lips and giant chesticles, I never want to hear that argument ever again. EVER. Remember Denise Richards? Yea, she got naked for the movie Wild Things, she got a couple roles after that, but everyone realized she was a TERRIBLE actress. Case in point, Megan Fox is gona burn out in about a year....though, who am I kidding, I'd give both my arms to go on a date with her. That might be funny right? Guy with no arms, on a date at a classy restaurant with Megan Fox? How do i eat? Does she feed me? What do we talk about? Call me.

Apologies

2009-11-15T08:44:00.001-08:00

My apologies for not updating. New Blog to be posted soon!

Pretty Much Awesome

2009-09-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge fan of Star Wars and thought this was pretty well done. Good job Collegehumor!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Also, this is great too, actually laughed out loud at this one http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791517.

Things I Actually Learned from Higher Education

2009-09-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article somewhere that described what newly college graduates actually thought of during their day. This list was very accurate and included things like "the only time i look forward to a red light is to finish my text message" and "when I type LOL to someone, it has lost its meaning of laugh out loud...to mean 'i have nothing else to say...' Now, pondering and elaborating on this concept, I figured out a few of my own:

1. It makes me laugh when girls have those witty, play on words status's on facebook. This one I especially like: "ThE oNLy tHiNG a GiRL shOuLD cHaSe is A sHot!" Reflecting on the girls who posted that...they're all either horrifically blown out, completely psychotically jealous girlfriends, pregnant or mildly muffin-topped alcoholics.

2. Every rumor about the football team is true.

3. If I call you anytime after midnight, I want to know more than "hey! what you are you doing tonight?"

4. Likewise, if you don't have a girl locked in by midnight, it's not going to happen.

5. Living off campus is a serious cock block. If she doesn't want to go outside to come see you, she won't.

6. Likewise, if the girl is super into you BECAUSE you live off campus, theres a super good chance she's going to be a stage 5 clinger.

7. Girls should never put "Single" as their status on facebook...because creepy dudes DO check for that and they WILL think they have chance.

8. The hotter the girl, the douchier the boyfriend (Note previous blog post).

9. Any girl with an art degree is A. Doing it for the attention. B. Found she wasn't good at anything else. C. Regretting it after graduation and/or D. Planning on being a stay-at-home mom and art seemed "like it was a fun idea".

10. Facebook is the reason for lower IQ's in recent college graduates.

11. Facebook also used to be awesome before my mom, brother and entire younger cousins had access to me passed out in my own puke with two 40 ounce bottles duct taped to my hands.

12. Kids who don't have jobs through colleges are lazy piles of shit, and don't let them convince you otherwise. College is not that hard. Ever.

13. I will bet that 95% of college students who participate in tailgating and are insanely devoted to making people know how big of fans they are don't know a single player's name for the team they are doing keg stands for.

14. Swine Flu started from beer pong.

15. Thus, playing "water pong" is probably the most pussy thing you could ever do.

16. It always amazes me how many highly educated, post-collegiate, promising young graduates don't know what "phillips head" means.

17. On the contrary, they can construct the most elaborate beer bongs the world has ever seen and figure out a way to smoke pot out of anything.

18. Don't ever take pictures in a bar.

19. Beware of athletes. While we were all going to dances, hanging out on weekends, getting into trouble...these kids had slavedriver parents making sure they weren't going to have to pay for an education. Do NOT be suprised when these socially underdeveloped jock-o's A. Creep your female friends out B. Have awful personal relationship skills C. Dress like sweaty gym jocks when they are NOT in the gym. and D. Do weird shit when they are together: For female teams, this may mean getting so retardedly drunk it makes everyone else concerned and Males: Take their shirts off and show really awkward affection towards each other.

20. The reason freshman girls are super sexy is because they haven't gained college weight yet and/or banged all of your friends.

21. Small town kids are clingy as shit. As in, don't ever break up with me because I will hunt you and make sure to cause the most ridiculously dramatic scene to embarrass the shit out of you with little to no concern for my own public image.

22. The reason that I only like girls with boyfriends is because in your senior year, you convince yourself that the must be something wrong with the ones that didn't get picked.

23. In the year 2009, we have computers that can instantly connect billions of people around the world, video games that let us physically control the character and social networking that allows us to never be out of touch, yet, 4 logs on fire at the beach with good friends is still the most entertaining and memorable of times.

24. Though, getting pants shitting drunk on the 4th of July and watching glorified gun powder explode in the air is apparently the most fascinating thing ever.

25. 90% of college relationships are based on being available and sex...however, don't feel bad. When you're miserable and dried up at 40, you're going to salivate remembering the awesomely stupid stud or cake-faced babe you used to bang "back in the day".

26. Don't ever get dreadlocks, because 10 year after you graduate, you'll look back at those pictures and kick your own ass for looking so stupid.

27. The kids who complain about being overworked in school would be 130% more productive if they didn't constantly update their facebook status to let everyone know how overworked they are.

28. Girls who state that they "HATE DRAMA" are always the most overdramatic people in school.

29. The smaller the c0llege, the better taste in music is.

30. Kids who skateboard to school do know, and agree, that skateboarding is not a very effective way of travel. But if they didn't, you wouldn't be able to see how fuckin' cool they are.

31. Texting and AIM have severely decreased my abilities to form full, grammatically correct sentences.

32. They used to say, "if you wouldn't say it in person, don't say it at all." Now they say, if you wouldnt say something in person, text it. and don't forget to put "haha" before it.

33. The reason most college relationships haven't ended yet is because the guy or the girl is just too busy to deal with the break up.

34. College relationships follow this time tested formula: Meet. Obsess thinking about them naked. Being too shy to actually make a move, so add alcohol, and lots of it. Start relationship. Having what you think is awesome sex. Realize the person who convinced you that they were actually a good fit for you, actually sucks. Start noticing other people. Break up. Hook up with someone else (after this point, most likely the girl will overnight fall in love with another guy while the guy uses his tears as lubricant). Tell everyone that you broke up, but secretly be hooking up still because "we hate eachother obviously, but its just sex, right?" Only notice your ex when they get attention from someone else. Throw a shit fit. Laugh about it and go your own separate ways, mainly to the next person you are about to start this same cycle with...all over again.

35. Hot girls are allowed to do anything at college. They're allowed to get into bars when they're underaged. They're allowed to get into the parties your zitty freshman ass can't get into. They're given better job opportunities than you are. They're also 10x more likely to get pregnant before graduation, so cheer the fuck up.

Though you may not agree with all of them, I will guarantee you have had some sort of experience with one of these statements. College is a time of growing and maturing, and while some of us have gone through 4 year without remembering a single teachers name, finding where the clitoris actually is or even just understanding what your degree actually is in, it will be a fun ride getting there. Log in and comment if you have additions, there WILL be more to come.

Douche Shoes.

2009-08-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

Shoes can tell you a lot about a person. Often, a person will find a bit of their own personality in the footwear they decide upon. In some cases, the fun, stylish kid will gravitate towards a bright colored shoe, while in other cases, the super-sport athlete likes something as fast and slim looking as they picture themselves. Either way, it's come to my attention after a recent trip to Cedar Point Amusement park that a certain type of person seems to always have the same shoes on.

You've all seen them: Medium shirts when they should be a large or an XL, v-neck t-shirts with gold crosses that often bare no symbolical reference to the owners lack of religious knowledge, pre-destroyed jeans, preferably but not limited to any sort of tribal tattoo's, a mildly homoquestionable obsession with the following vag-free activies: UFC and MMA fighting, Beer Pong, Asher Roth "College" sing-a-longs. Yes, I'm talking about douche-bags, and not just the typical Hollister shopping 10th grader, I'm talking full-fledged "how is it that 12 of the same dude just walked into this bar" douche-bags. Now, as stated above, we all may or may not have participated in a little douchyness here and there, and some of us are aware and willing able to admit it. It happens to the best of us, but one thing many of us HAVE moved on from our slight taste of DBagness is simply taking one giant leap against Toxic Jock syndrome, and changing our footwear. This guide will serve as a common way to spot these cocklocked individuals and help you stay douche free. These are shoes, that douchebags wear.

First as foremost, lets take a look at the history of recent douche-shoes:

The boat shoe isn't really recent, but has had a long history of associated doucheyness. Now, dont get me wrong, this classic Rockport is very comfy, but the mere fact that skinny-dicked rich kids who love sailing and want everyone to know about their work-free, parental succubus lifestyle just seems to ruin it for the rest of us. I'm glad you got a 5 year degree from Boston College and know every word to every Jack Johnson song, however, I know how to change a tire and operate a tablesaw. May this boat shoe sink with the ship.

Run DMC was one of the greatest hip hop groups of all time. They pioneered the awesomeness that is the Adidas classic shell toe shoe....until the prince of Douche himself ruined it. Around the last 90's, this prince rose to power donning a puffy jacket in july, as well as a red yankee's hat, backwards of course. Yes, Fred Durst, the legendary Doucher of Douche is solely responsible for destroying this amazing foot-based icon. Once Durst was seen wearing these classic kicks, cockjocks everywhere flooded to Foot Locker to get a piece of the rap-metal pie, which burned out about as quick as the Lindsey Lohan's acting career. The shoe later evolved into the Adidas superstar, which took this vintage shape and turned it into a glass slipper for douches with an awkwardly confusion subconscious crush on Carson Daly.

Now that we have looked at two prime examples of previous hot-dick shoes, let us acknowledge our current state of douche-shoe catalogs:

A few years ago, Nike decided to launch a skateboard-based shoe line. Being that Nike has provided American's with everything from track shoes, Lebron James, football and baseball equipment, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, work-out gear, it only makes sense that dirtbag skateboarders fit in extremely well with this awesomely sports warehouse-inspired brand. Thus a revolution was born, after this customer has called out all of their football playing friends as "conforming, meat-dicked jocks who all love the same shit" they go and do exactly what they "unconforming" against. If all of your friends have rainbow Nike shoes, that makes you just like them....and so on. Back when I was in high school, rainbows got you beat up...so I must have missed the memo where rainbow shoes didn't scream "I love Savage Garden." The only thing worse than a douchebag, is a douchebag who calls other douchebags, douchebags. Instead of an army of hair-gel and fake tans, be on the watch for skateboard dingdongs who WILL be wearing all over print hoodies, with the the hood up...all night. Look for tons of these awkward white kids in skate and snowboard towns.

Nothing screams "BRO, I LOVE BEING THE DOUCHIEST GUY HERE" like the DC Court Grafik. DC was originally founded by a group of skateboarders and have since marketed their brand so far from it's roots that you might even call them a different company all together. This shoe is a telltale sign that the owner is SO into but not limited to: A. Energy Drinks, (and not the 8 oz still crucially unfit for human consumption) I'm talking at least 24 oz of pure cocaine-inspired beverages. Google toxic-jock syndrome. B. "All over" printed shirts with at least 1 skull and 1 set of any sort of wings or crests. C. Taco-brimmed hats (Think the classic USC "Cocks" college hat where the wearer thought it was funny that his lid said the street term for male genitalia on it, though it only proved a target for douche-hunters. D. Saying the word "fuck" completely without reason and often at horribly inappropriate times. This classic potty mouth will not hesitate to say "I'm fuckin' so hung over from that fuckin beer pong game, and my fuckin ass hurts really fuckin bad for some fuckin reason" in a public place. Leave it to these beavers to make sure your childen ARE unsafe in the vicinity of doucheyness. E. Making you think they like skateboarding, even though their extensive knowledge of the lifestyle extends as far as the most recent episode of Rob and Big.

The Nike Air Force One has been a staple in footwear culture, especially in the African American community...which confuses me as how suburban white kids caught onto this trend. Notice in the picture this hueless all white sneaker and bask in it's glory...this may be one of the true kinds of douchebag footwear. Picture this shoe on someone, often it will be associated with diamond earrings, a mildly oversized polo shirt, possibly a flat brimmed cap with the gold sticker still freshly placed on top....or take the other scenario for a ride. Basketball shorts are for playing basketball in, not wearing around in public places. In California, you're called a kook for wear boardshorts if you aren't in the water, so why do hotcocks feel it should be any different? Football players love this shoe, as it helps them gang-eye-fuck girls at college parties in which they all need to show up at, in one line. Eminem can wear Air Force One's because he one of the greatest rappers alive, however, singing in your car to Lil' Weezy does not give you the right. At all.

The classic Converse Chuck Taylor used to be a symbol of performance and uniqueness. Then hipsters started buying them, needing a shoe that fit in with their "un-corportate" lifestyle. Little do these skinny-jean fucks know that Nike purchased Converse a few years back and is simply feeding them a huge "corporate" (and hell, Vegan while we're on the hispter topic) wiener for them to dine on for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This shoe has been replicated by other ass-milking brands such Ed Hardy, Supra and so on. This shoe is targeted in a different range than our previous athletic based douche bagger, however. Hipster douchebags can many times be worse, as their awesomely shitty art-fag attitudes will leave you a certain confusion as to how their incredibly blessed suburban lifestyle spawned such an anger, for like, lyfe mannn. Often seen with the following: A. Plain white, belly button showing undershirts. B. Skinny womens jeans, on...a size 34 waste male. C. A fascination with letting all of your hipster friends know you have a fixed gear bike. D. Liking bands until their popular, and then getting in a completely un-winnable dispute over music with people who probably don't care. At all. E. Long hair with hair bands, cigarettes and always making sure you are drinking PBR or someother cheap, obscure fermented beverage in like, all yer fazebook pictures dood.

Also, beware of these quick traits:

1. Love of Lil' Weezy. This pint-sized rapper may be one of the most overrated MC's of the decade, yet, his official douchebag music award was passed on from Dave Matthews, who also got the award for "I have no personal opinion about anything what-so-ever so my puka shelled friends just tell me whats cool", which is very tough to win. Congrats to Weezy and Dave for these honorary titles.

2. Bud Light. Bud Light has been the watered down drink of choice for top-choice college douchebags as well as Kentucky inbreds.

3. His favorite movie is Scarface. Scarface was good, but it wasn't that good. Every wannabe gangster cheesedick thinks people actually respect Cuban criminals who contribute to terrible crimes committed in this country. If you've never sold drugs, don't act like it. And if you have? No one cares. Trust me.

4. He says "Tits" or "The shit" in reference to something good. This should be obvious.

5. A bachelors degree in business. Nothing screams "awesomely average and uncreative" as a business degree. Let all of these bro's tell you how "college is the best 4 or 5 years of your life bro", but in 10 years when they look back at their pictures of them beer bonging off the top floor of their terribly homoerotic frat house, you can't blame them.

This is a hopefully informative guide at helping you detect the type of people who is violating this douche code. However, as the world spins and spins, we are only in waiting until the next king of cock trend is revealed.

And always remember, it's not a stereotype if it's true.